Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
This is the one
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”