Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
new wife guy just dropped
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims