Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body