UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.