(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Oh. My. God.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”