My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Feel. He’s so soft.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*