Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.