Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
man: wait
time: no
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…