My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
How to properly lift a body
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*