People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
You Might Also Like
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”