Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Somebody call the cops.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700