Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.