Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???