me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
You learn something every day
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…