[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
This checks out
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997