Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.