hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
As the Lord intended
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.