My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.