Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.