necessity is the mother of invention
You Might Also Like
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
when there are deer in the woods
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
it was a valiant fight
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Pizza is an emotion right?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle