I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
buying dead houseplants to save time
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!