So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Breaking news:
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.