“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Buck naked
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
🤣😂
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: