I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Cinematography is my passion
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”