Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*