The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
nyc:
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.