I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
This makes total sense…
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m about to risk it all
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”