Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?