[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
You Might Also Like
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.