Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.