Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.