The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.