wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
True
When someone trying to leave me