Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Hitlers gonna hitl
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”