3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky