People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Hmmmmm
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
How it started: How it’s going:
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.