If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.