You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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I love snow
– People who never shovel
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
channeling her this year
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
what could possibly go wrong?