[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
oh u like geography? name every lake
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing