Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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are there any atheist mantises?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
One venti cheeseburger please.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.