i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.