It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
You Might Also Like
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.