“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
ready to be harvested