[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH