Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Made something I’m not proud of
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first