me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Wait for it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
But I really needed water water water
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Breaking news:
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are