My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
kitchen magnet
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”