Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[eats all your cotton candy]
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.