“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that鈥檚 right
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
ME: we need to focus. we鈥檙e so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I鈥檓 like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me to my kids: don鈥檛 ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it鈥檚 chicken
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.