This anagram machine is out of order.
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[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.